Like so many women, I had to heal in order to open up to my sexually awakened Self. Much of our orgasmic shut down goes back to traumas that we’ve experienced due to the 3 pleasure stealing culprits: guilt, shame and fear. These traumas may be conscious or completely unconscious. They may be huge, or they may be very subtle. Personally I can link much of my shut down to a specific event.
I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a very handsome and sweet guy. We proceeded to have loads of sex despite the fact that I was taught to be a Jesus girl, which equated to not having sex until marriage. But my inner Jesus girl couldn’t wait to make love and my bf and I were like curious little love rabbits. We found all sorts of creative places to explore, most notably the car in empty parking lots, and I had plenty of orgasms during sex.
But 8 months in I was bored of that boyfriend. Within a couple of weeks of our breakup, I rekindled a flame with the boyfriend before him who I’d never had sex with but had broken my heart the year before… I just had to torture myself some more. Soon it was the 4rth of July and all the high school kids went to the mountain resort Vale for fireworks and wild escapades. I met up with him. We laughed, talked and drank plenty of alcohol. Soon we were back in his room. We did it.
No cuddles followed, and when I left the next morning there was no sweet goodbye. I walked back to my hotel with guilt and shame coursing through my veins. I felt ill all day, and I knew it wasn’t from the alcohol. I was sick with shame.
But the pinnacle happened that night when I was walking around with my friends. My eyes met his but he quickly turned away and walked on by. I tried to pretend that I was fine and was enjoying the rest of my night with my gang, but I was DEVASTATED. I spent the next weeks in a deep pit of sorrow. I remember laying in my bed, deeply grieving, hating myself and asking God to please not let me have any more orgasms until I was married, for I believed that God was punishing me for being a slut. If I could just shut down my sexuality and pleasure until I got married, then perhaps I could redeem myself as a true a Jesus girl.
I didn’t actually wait until marriage to have sex again because I didn’t really believe the story I was taught and I was a sexual creature. However, I did stop having vaginal orgasms during sex. I had plenty of clitoral orgasms using my finger or a lover’s, but it would be another 17 years before I would enjoy orgasmic pleasure through lovemaking alone. My clitoris was open and I had plenty of wonderful experiences, but the inside my yoni was numb, disassociated, and full of guilt and shame. I longed to be able to have the sort of orgasms I knew were possible and that I had before without needing my clitoris touched. But even getting married didn’t turn it all back on.
Eventually I figured out how to release the trauma through meditations and deeply feeling uncomfortable sensations and numbness in my body while having sex and moving the energy through tantric practices I learned. Alas, my body awakened to the multi orgasmic bliss that was always my birthright but got shut down due the usual suspects: guilt, shame and fear who wreak havoc on our joy as humans sexually, and in all areas of our life. The only way to get through them is to feel them and love them, but not believe in them.
I know women who never shut down their sexuality as their orgasm was never touched by pain. I know other women who don’t have any traumatic stories, but just haven’t discovered their pleasure. Every woman has a different journey, and I bless all women to heal and awaken to the bliss that is in their bodies waiting to be remembered. HALLELUJAH and AMEN!