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Forgiveness Is Not Necessary When We Love Ourselves

Have you ever been heart broken and wanted to punish the person who has left you feeling rejected and hurt? I have, and it’s probably one of the lowest places I’ve ever been in my life. When that hot, sexy, perfect person (who has become even more hot, sexy and perfect since they left) rejects you, we have the opportunity to reach into the depths of ourselves and find real love.


Most spiritual texts speak of the power of forgiveness, but in my experience forgiveness is not necessary when I understand that everything on the outside is really just a reflection of what is in me. When I am feeling hurt, rejected and angry, there is a little being inside needs some serious loving.


Imagine you have a five-year-old child who feels rejected and hurt by the other children on the playground. Before we start working on forgiving the other children, let’s focus on loving that child up.


It’s interesting for me to think of the thoughts swirling around my head when I was swimming in the oceans of rejection and anger two and 1/2. The most common ones went something like this:


I walk into a restaurant with a hot guy (unknown in real life, but even hotter and more perfect than the one who broke my heart.) Out of the corner of my eye, I see, let’s call him Randy for privacy’s sake. Randy is happy to see me, but I don’t have much to say to him. I smile at him and notice him noticing my hot new man. I can see he is both slightly jealous and a little sad that I don’t even come over to say hi.


Should I even admit here that this same stupid story went through my mind 100s of times while lying in bed, driving my car and even while hiking? And there are other stories that my mind came up with that are even more embarrassing than this one. I say this only because I’m sure there are many others out there who can relate.


But what I discovered, after these fantasies went from making me feel temporarily better to driving me crazy as I realized that I was never going to make Randy jealous or sad, was that this little story teller was a hurt, rejected, and wounded child that lived within me.


As I began to take small baby steps away from trying to deal with the feelings of Randy and onto loving the little wounded one inside me, I began to feel relief. It became apparent that I was not the one that was making up stories attempting to manipulate and punish my heartbreaker. I was the one who could love that being back to sanity. And so that’s what I did.


I watched with loving awareness all the sensations and stories that were arising about Randy. And I’m not saying that this little one was instantly healed. It took time. But very quickly there was no need to forgive Randy. He hadn’t, after all done anything other than break my heart and find another woman (and lie and cheat and…). Ultimately, Randy was a character in my play, showing me the part of myself that needed more love.


And when that little one inside receives the unconditional love that it is crying out for by creating the entire story, it merges back to where it came from, its Source. The Source of all life where all the drama, story lines, hurt and fear are taking place. And as they are loved one by one, they are resolved and merge back into the infinite place of joy and peace.


Recently I ran into Randy, and luckily that little child in me was all loved up and there was no need in me to make him feel jealous or bad or sad. I still think he’s hot and amazing, but I sat listening to stories of his new girlfriend without feeling even the slightest bit triggered. Ultimately I felt grateful for the experience of being with such an amazing human being, and felt genuinely happy for him and his girlfriend.


Love + time heals all wounds guaranteed.

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