Rape is an incredibly strong word which generates horrific visions of a struggling woman and an evil aggressive man pinning her down. This vision is what leads so many women to not speak up and for non-consensual sex to be epidemic in our society. If it doesn’t look like that terrorizing film we saw, it falls into a grey area where woman feel “not quite raped” yet deeply violated.
Picture this scenario. The woman has stated that she doesn’t want to have sex. Yet they are making out and she’s very turned on. He thinks well, she’s now turned on so she must have changed her mind and has sex with her. She’s enjoying it, but she never said YES and deep down she’s still a NO.
Add this to the fact that perhaps women say they don’t want sex when really they want to be “taken” by a strong, masculine man, so he’s just doing what he is supposed to do to not be one of those mimsy nice guys that make women turned off and want to barf. When you really get into the subtleties of individual situations, it can become a mind field lacking in any clarity.
What we need is a renessance in tantric education. Firstly, we need to teach children how to tap into and live from their inner guidance system and intuition in all areas of life, in this case sexually. If it’s not a HELL YES in mind, body and spirit, then it’s NO. Wait for the hell yes and in the meantime, cultivate greater intimacy with self and learn the joy of deep emotional intimacy with others, trusting the hell yes is coming in the perfect timing.
Secondly, learning how to speak our fears, desires, and boundaries before sex needs to be taught as common a practice as brushing your teeth. Not only will this create fewer sexual discrepancies, it will create greater intimacy and emotional sharing of what is alive for everyone… Which will also create hotter sex.
In some ways this may seem boring and lacking in spontaneity. I mean that other movie scene where the guy and girl meet and end up going back to her place ripping off their clothes is there because it’s hot and somewhere inside there is a part of us that could probably admit to wanting it on some fantasy level. But I’m seeing enough to know that boundaries, YESES and NOs are still not an embodied part of our culture, and that makes me deeply concerned for the younger generation in their teens and 20s. This is why I believe Tantra is vital to the health and well being of our society. We need a gosh darn revolution!