Last night I had a disturbing but somehow important dream that woke me up in tears.
I arrived at a party that I was excited about and thought was going to be fun, but when we arrived the house was messy and the vibe felt off. The people who I thought were going to be there weren’t. I’d borrowed a friend’s top and I looked down it had paint and stains all over it. I felt awful that I’d ruined someone else’s stuff and I knew they were going to be mad at me.
Then I bumped into a very dear friend of mine who I haven’t spoken to in years. Unlike how I know her to be in person, she was very cold. She had the broom out and was cleaning the house while everyone was partying. “You’re unbalanced,” she said, mopping the floor. Even though I hadn’t made the mess, she was blaming me for it. I felt horribly guilty and ashamed.
Then there was a stain on the wall. I didn’t know what I’d done to put it there, but everyone, including me assumed that it was caused by me. I got on a ladder and reached up to wash it off, but realized that a picture had been knocked out of place. I fixed the picture, which took some time and then got down. Then I realized that I’d totally forgotten to wash the stain off the wall. I could feel that everyone thought I was crazy and were mad at me that I hadn’t completed the original task I’d set out to do.
I sat down on the floor with the feeling of “I’ll never get it right,” pulsed around my body. No matter what I did, I’d never get it all “right.” I felt a wave of incredible shame wash over me for what I’d done. Yet there was another part of me that could see that I hadn’t meant harm in any of it. Even though I’d made a huge mess, my heart was in the right place.
Suddenly I began to go through my whole life to all the times when I’d done something “wrong and people were mad at me.” Although my actions weren’t perfect and I may have created dramas, I could see very clearly that I was doing my best. Even in the moments when I was hurtful to others, I could see that my heart was always full of love and that it was another part of me that was acting out unconsciously.
I was shown scene after scene after scene of my life and each time, no matter what was happening, I cried, “I didn’t mean it!” I felt the guilt that I carried around with me about all the things people were mad at me about, and all the things I had made up in my mind that people were mad at me about even when I’d made it up, and all the things that I was mad at myself about. And none of them were actually true, because in reality my heart was pure and I was just doing my best with where I was at.
One memory in particular stood out. I was in 6th grade in Mrs. Kennedy’s class and I was picking on a boy named Brian along with a bunch of other kids. I felt a rush of power as we made fun of him. It was so obvious that it wasn’t really ME who was making fun of him. “I’m sorry!” I cried, feeling guilty and bad, “But I didn’t mean it! In fact I have never ever in my whole life meant to hurt anyone or do anything “bad.”
And yet I carry this deep, unconscious guilt that I’m not even aware of like an old sack. I saw my guilty self like a worn out, tired Santa clause carrying around a red sack of guilty presents that I didn’t need. I wanted to be a light in the world, and yet I failed. Over and over again I failed miserably to live up to my own and other’s expectations.
I woke up in tears. It was so strong that I woke my boyfriend up and cried in his arms. Sobbed actually. He said it felt like I was purging. I was releasing the guilt, the shame, the fear of people being mad at me, the fear of fucking up, the pain of wanted to be MYSELF and failing.
It was such a powerful dream. It was the sort of dream that stays with you for the whole day and has you pondering because it was so potent. It was the subconscious mind dumping a load. I’m thankful for this dream. Guilt has no place. We’re all just doing our very best. We make mistakes, but the human heart is always there, watching with pure, unconditional love. This is who we really are and are becoming all at once. <3